kill

//Thursday, December 30, 2010 5:04 PM

Two.

C.S Lewis

St Augustine of Hippo

// 4:08 PM

Today I gave my chocolates to my classmate who didn't bring her money to school, so she couldn't buy food.

It felt really nice because after that two other classmates gave her their tidbits as well.

Damn my classmates GMH.

//Wednesday, December 29, 2010 12:30 AM

Woman

I love you, but sometimes in ways I think its too minimal. I am ashamed.

I think I need to step out as an outsider and look at you in a different light before I finally love you more than I should been so.

But then again, I am glad I didn't let words from others get the better of me.

I want the best for you, out of anyone else in the world, and I want you to experience God one day, so Awaken next December is a date set, I know you did not make the decision yourself but I am forcing you to go (don't care already, must do whatever I can already) and I am writing it down in my calendar this instant. If need be, I will go with you. But I do not know whether it is advisable to convert twice in a short span of a year =_=

We will see where God takes us.

And, come back, He's still waiting.

// 12:25 AM

Doubt your doubts and not your beliefs.

//Tuesday, December 28, 2010 10:46 PM

Guy watching

There was a guy I saw on the bus yesterday. He was sleeping soundly beside me. His arms were toned and he was my ideal type of size. I was facing the whole bus in front of me so I pretended to fall asleep too to prevent further embarrassment.

When the couple opposite me went away, I hurriedly took up their space and slumped into the seat. I took notice of the guy in front of me. His head was bent down and his glasses slipped onto his nose bridge. As I stared at him for a while, I took notice of the shape of his nose bridge all the way down to his mouth. He wasn't the good looking type, but the clothes he was wearing speak to me that he keeps himself tidy and clean. His head still hung low, he was listening to music, and holding his phone, as if awaiting a message. He looked up after a while, and I was taking in the outside scenery, the whole world out there was in a rampage, raging lights, people walking too fast, shops opened for too long, the bus driver nonchalant to everything and doing his job, and the guy, the guy, he looked up.

And my heart went cold to find how much he looked just like you.

// 12:42 PM

Some hold on to their present love so tightly because they feel that once they let it go, they will never be the same again.

Some plunge into love so easily because they want to get over their hurt over an old love.

Some, once again, plunge into love too easily, because they think that love, is just another game to play with each other.

And once they get out of it, they find themselves unbearably empty.

All of us just inevitably fall under one of these.

//Monday, December 27, 2010 1:53 AM

Why does it feel like...

I don't know why either.

//Saturday, December 25, 2010 5:07 PM

This Christmas...

Has been the most exceptional and the best one yet.

I learnt that no matter how much you try and forget about the friendships that you have built around the years, those which stand firm and real are the ones you can never get out from your head.

I am glad we both made that step.

And thank you for your understanding and your help as well.

And you, you looked really handsome last night. :> :> :> :> :>

HEHEHEHE.

// 4:52 PM

I will meet you one day.

You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

//Friday, December 24, 2010 5:16 PM

Tell me,
How broken are you inside right now?

//Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:36 PM

Firstly you have to learn where to stop.

And when you start to give.

And what you have to give to make the person feel alright.

It's not about people loving you, that is why you have to give back to them the love they gave you.

It's not right.

It's about loving them wholeheartedly, no matter how much they would detest you or hate you or despise you.

You have to heal slowly.

Loving them until it hurts you straight through.

Your heart is dead.

Because you forgot who loves you right now, this instant.

You forgot, but He has always been there.

St Augustine says,

"No sinner is to be loved as sinner; and every man is to be loved as a man for God's sake; but God is to be loved for His own sake."

If you think love is easy, it's not. But it has been the only thing we have been taught to do all our lives.

//Wednesday, December 22, 2010 12:41 AM

The more I think about it...

The more I realize how much you don't love me. Fine, granted that you have been concerned about my life, but get real, you have never been in my life to talk things out with me, and I am sorry to say that I knew you because you had been the last thread of hope of the love I lost. When we go out to talk, do you know how much I got hurt because you kept bringing him up about in our topics? And suddenly he can be near us when we are out together. Coincidence? God's will? Or on purpose? I don't know. Just know that, you were hurt, and that was why I was hurt together with you. Maybe you loved me in your ways which you thought was best, but again, I feel that you also have too much going on in your life, maybe sometimes I felt that the thoughts you projected out didn't seem right to me. And don't justify your love because you want to buy me material things, I can't be bought over by material things. And the money I owe you from long before, I will definitely return it to you, it's not right to eat lavishly out of your hard earned money.

And your friend, is not a man. You know it already. If he was ever a man with deep thoughts, he would have respected me and want to make an effort with me long ago. What nonsense he was saying about him making a serious effort if he were to meet me when he turns 25-26? Bullshit. If he didn't want to now, he wouldn't do so 7 years later. And what he had done to me, he would also do it with other girls, because something in him hasn't healed yet, even if he appeared to move on and not care, that is because he also doesn't want to face up to himself and there's no one who thinks of him worthy enough to help him out. All he can do is to love worldly things because the world can accept him with no strings attached.

Lastly, I forgive both of you and those of your friends who hurt me before and only wanted to use me. Life is short. I can't waste anymore time in unforgiveness and unhappiness. And if you are reading this, I know you will one day, I wish you God's love and peace and happiness, and do all little things with great love. (:

//Monday, December 20, 2010 11:57 AM

Beautiful Saviour.

LORD.

YOU ARE MY BEAUTIFUL SAVIOUR.

AND I AM TOTALLY YOURS.

YOU TOOK AWAY MY HURTS AND MY UNFORGIVENESS. AND WHOEVER WANTS TO HURT ME, CAN'T ANYMORE. BECAUSE YOU TOOK AWAY MY SHAME AND GUILT. AND YOU TOLD ME THAT IF THE PERSON WHO WERE TO HURT ME WERE TO STAND BEFORE YOU, YOU WOULD SAY TO HIM/HER, "SIN NO MORE."

I LOVE YOU AND I THANK YOU GOD FOR YOUR UNFAILING LOVE AND MERCY.

AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!!!

AND WE BELIEVE!!!!

AND WE ARE FINALLY FREE.

AND TOTUS TUUS.

IF I SOUND CRAZY.

THAT'S BECAUSE I AM CRAZY IN LOVE.

AND THAT'S ALL THAT IS.

//Wednesday, December 15, 2010 6:42 PM

Julian and Ruth.

I like how my dad understand my mum even though she might not be the same woman she was three years ago. Mum and dad, thankew for your love and commitment towards each other and your babies. Bibi and I love you both for sure.

// 2:39 PM

Thank you for your understanding and for listening to me all the way just now.

//Tuesday, December 14, 2010 10:06 PM

This movie made me cry like shit.

I like how the composer used that same tune and he could make different moods of it in different tracks. THIS MOVIE. IS SO. SAD. AND INSPIRING. WHY DIDN'T I WATCH IT WHEN IT CAME OUT?!!

But on the flipside, I have it with me for this lifetime already.

Heh :D

// 6:37 PM

“坏脾气要改.”

// 1:23 PM

Stop making me miserable anymore.

Stop making me feel like I owe you.

I don't know what you are thinking about.

But today I just screamed so much, I screamed out my guilt, my unforgiving, my regrets, my vexations and they were projected at my mum.

You do know that is unfair.

I know it too.

Then stop fucking patronizing my feelings.

And then pulling them down when we get the chance to talk.

But I have a clearer head now.

I finally know who's always there for me, who still tries and who doesn't at all.

//Monday, December 13, 2010 1:13 AM

Dear mummy,

I never hated you, please don't think I hate you.

In fact, I feel so frustrated with myself sometimes I vent it out on the people who are in the vicinity of the place I breed all my negativity.

My mood is a fluctuating balloon. That is all that is.

My family are unfortunate because of me.

I am sorry.

Mummy, I never hated you.

//Saturday, December 11, 2010 9:34 PM

I expect my family to be my pillars. Even if I am not one for them.

If they really break apart, if only one of them breaks apart, I wouldn't know what to do anymore, I won't know who to rely on fully anymore.

I hate it that I met you. I am totally regretting the consequences. Lord, is this enough now?

// 8:02 PM

Highlights of my Saturday.

//Friday, December 10, 2010 9:11 PM

Prayer of St Augustine

Lord Jesus, let me know myself and know You,

And desire nothing save only You.

Let me hate myself and love You.

Let me do everything for the sake of You.

Let me humble myself and exalt You.

Let me think of nothing except You.

Let me die to myself and live in You.

Let me accept whatever happens as from You.

Let me banish self and follow You,

And ever desire to follow You.

Let me fly from myself and take refuge in You,

That I may deserve to be defended by You.

Let me fear for myself, let me fear You,

And let me be among those who are chosen by You.

Let me distrust myself and put my trust in You.

Let me be willing to obey for the sake of You.

Let me cling to nothing save only to You,

And let me be poor because of You.

Look upon me, that I may love You.

Call me that I may see You,

And forever enjoy You.

Amen.

// 1:29 PM

Do you know...

That if I have my heart set on you, I will love you for life?

I am serious.

I just need you to be serious with me in this, together.

That is if I know who you are.

// 10:36 AM

I found myself

Suddenly reading about your life again.

It seems normal.

It seems that you have always been waiting for something when it comes.

And you will take it, by the collar and by its creased cuff.

She told me it seems to her that its nothing wrong.

To me its more like it was never right to begin with.

Multifold of emotions.

I felt those yesterday and I couldn't seem to rationalize myself, more so with the extra servings of dinner.

Which threatened to pry me open from the inside.

I read about your life.

You are self aware and yet you will never change.

And that's how you will die.

You will die alone. But it never meant being lonely....

...And unrepentant.

And maybe sad.

And maybe filled with regrets.

Before you die, I have always been waiting for an apology.

A heart felt one.

From you.

That's all I ever needed.

When you couldn't give me all your heart.

//Thursday, December 9, 2010 11:42 AM

The more I treat everyone in my life as equal, the lesser the love I distribute to those who need it more.

//Wednesday, December 8, 2010 4:53 PM

I have...

God

Family

Friends.

(and a little bit of resentment against you still)

I can't ask for more now can't I?

//Monday, December 6, 2010 11:34 PM

I can't really say much but...

I just feel that.

You really piss me off by ruining yourself with someone who has long moved on.

Yes I was in that phase before. That hurt and it was also confusing for me.

And what the hell are you confused about?

She's not worth it anymore the moment she decided and thought it through that you both aren't going to work it despite the quarrels and conflicts.

Wake up la.

You are holding on to her because of obvious selfish reasons.

You haven't prayed enough, you haven't discerned enough, and when we rebuke you, you shy away and smile it off like some sheepish kid. When we tell you straight, it was for your own good, not hers.

And now you relapsed?

If you dare relapse I will slap you awake. I will definitely slap you awake just as I had done to myself for many many months.

//Sunday, December 5, 2010 10:13 PM

A Bad Hangover...

Can teach you a lot of things.

1. To not handle something that is beyond your capacity. But even so, this is a certain mindset we have to enter into.

2. You got to learn how to take care of yourself well, because there will be situations where you are all alone and if there is a problem, only you can handle it. I don't know how to take good care of myself. And that is freakishly bad for my age. But then again, I heard of people who don't know how to take public transport. So that ain't too bad? Hee.

3. I can drink, but I don't know how to drink well, or stop drinking.

4. That you don't have to apologize for being yourself. What? Who's to say whatever you shouldn't be? Who's to judge you for who you yourself want to be? Who decreed you should be whoever they say you should be? Only God has the final say.

5. To not fear what people say about you. When they are irritated by your actions, or they just plain detest you, their first instinct will be to bitch about you. It doesn't mean that they will go on detesting you forever, unless they are really that low.

6. To take in criticisms with grace and learn from them. Nuff said.

“A public library is the most democratic thing in the world. What can be found there has undone dictators and tyrants: demagogues can persecute writers and tell them what to write as much as they like, but they cannot vanish what has been written in the past, though they try often enough. People who love literature have at least part of their minds immune from indoctrination. If you read, you can learn to think for yourself.”

Doris Lessing

No wonder you can't think for yourself, you hate libraries the most.

//Thursday, December 2, 2010 5:53 PM

Don't care about BTT, but..

This is a very touching rendition.

// 1:44 AM

Happy 14th *love*

// 1:26 AM

"I forgive everything and everyone. I forgive you because I love you and you do not love me. I forgive you because you reject me and I am losing my power."

-Paulo Coelho

//Wednesday, December 1, 2010 1:24 AM

What is the use of posting everything up, but you just don't do so sometimes.

I don't get humans. We laugh at each other, simply because we are really too funny in the way we act and speak.

Incoherent you know?

Tonight my heart is aching. For some reason I do not know.

I don't believe myself or the others when they say that I can fall in love and get married earlier than them all.

To me it sounds ridiculous.

I feel handicapped.