kill

//Wednesday, July 28, 2010 2:16 PM

Talking about vocations, really made me think.

What am I cut out for.

I know the Lord already knows, but I have to know too.

So yes, discerning time is due proper.

//Tuesday, July 27, 2010 11:49 PM

No matter how unfair we feel this world is being.

How some people who walked into your lives and ruined them and then walk away faster than you would expect

How some people can love you for who you are and loathe you for exactly the same reason why they loved you for in the first place

How some people can repeat the same mistakes over and over again, and not learn at all, and you feel so dejected because you know no matter how much you guide them, they have the choice to be who they want to be

Nevertheless, my friend has told me and taught me, to have faith, to have that very same faith that I had before I lost it. To hold onto that faith dearly, even though it might prove to be very painful indeed.

I am going to forgive the hurt done onto me and start having faith.

What is your next step?

//Monday, July 26, 2010 3:05 PM

Let everything die off.

For there's nothing else to be done.

Till we are fated to meet again.

By right now, give me back a peace of mind.

//Sunday, July 25, 2010 2:06 PM

I can only blame you this much, and I blame myself for so much more.

You know how much you hurt me, and so deeply.

Only you know how it is like to suffer this much in silence.

I want to break away from you, I don't want to take my time.

Fucking hell, the more time I waste on you, it's like I am investing in something non existent.

Some things are just not in sync with God's will.

I have to accept that once I get this stubbornness off me.

//Tuesday, July 20, 2010 1:47 AM

Soviets- The Boxer Rebellion

//Monday, July 19, 2010 7:12 PM

It was never fair, what I did.

But this time, I want to claim victory, and I know you will let me.

//Sunday, July 18, 2010 7:44 PM

I realised that when I met you, it was not because I had to confirm that I still had feelings for you still, the meet up told me that, I just have to let you go.

And right now, I have a quarter left to go before I heal completely.

Aren't you going to be proud of me?

You are the different Louis I used to know.

You used to be silly, innocent, but purposeless, aimless, and your heart, your heart is pure.

Reading back on the posts you used to write, it always left an imprint somewhere deep within me.

The first time I read them, I cried.

Because it was the first time I saw a guy who could think for himself and trying his best to think for others.

Please don't give up on that, will you.

You'd probably never get to read this.

And I am still clinging on to sentimentality.

// 12:35 AM

Someday, all our hurts will be blown away, just like that.

When you wake up, you will find yourself stoic in anger and resentment, and also regrets.

But all these will come to pass, when the perfect one comes along.

I believe so.

You can light up this flicker of hope in you.

Or not.

Although you are not my closest of friends, or maybe one day we will stop contact altogether.

If the heavens allow, may you one day find peace within yourself and with him.

Tomorrow is going to be just alright. (:

//Thursday, July 15, 2010 11:41 PM

Sad But True

You can never trust anyone with your whole heart, unless you want it to be dug out mercilessly.

But at the same time, identify those who you can keep for life, and hold them close to your heart.

I choose not to lose hope in you.

So I pray that you will in time find a girl who loves you and is willing to give you what you need, not what you want.

For tonight, peace please.

If everyone could handle the truth, no one will have to be depressed, or sick in the head, or constantly trying to seek help from other people.

Because they don't understand; they don't want to.

For they hold high their expectations. Expectations above everything else.

2+2=5

It never makes any sense.

// 2:08 AM

you will see a world different from yours, i am sorry because my world is darker, it has nothing much to see, it holds more weight than anything else in this planet. but whatever it is, i can always get a glimpse of a small light that pops out sometimes when i needed it. and that light has never failed me.

and maybe you don't actually want to see in my position, through my eyes.

i am just assuming you want to.

but always my assumptions turn out wrong.

so here goes.

//Wednesday, July 14, 2010 3:38 PM

And as quietly as I did when I entered your life, I would silently move away from your space because that would be what you want from me.

Dear me,

I want you back.

Love,

Me.

// 2:07 AM

This I Promise You That I Will Do.

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you...

//Tuesday, July 13, 2010 11:08 PM

Not As We

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

// 1:11 AM

Fills me each day with hope.

I'm holding on, I'm waiting for your call
It's simple but I can't explain this
I'm sinking down, I feel like I could die
I'm falling off, I don't know why

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day
Another perfect day
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day
Another perfect day

So I might try to leave it all behind
I know tomorrow's not so bright now
I'll say goodbye cause nothing good can last
You wear and figure no where fast
When today I don't know how
To keep it all inside
But I guess I'll let it slide

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day
Another perfect day
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day
Another perfect day

Today I don't know why
I thought that it was real
But I guess it's no big deal

I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day
Another perfect day
I still believe it when you say
It's another perfect day
Another perfect day

I don't know how
I don't know how
I don't know how
To let it slide

//Monday, July 12, 2010 1:10 AM

thereissomethingsadatthecoreofyoursoulwhichyouhaveyettouncoverandidon'tquitelikehowifeel

somuchforyouthisshouldntbethecaseanymore.

You are different now.

Not that I was disappointed. But it's just like how you moved on, to become who you really wanted to be all along.

You are free now.

I face the world where everyone is fighting to take a bite off the cake.

I'm sorry that I can't be perfect forever, always.

//Sunday, July 11, 2010 4:21 PM

Wow.

“You should tell them the truth. Tell them that if they hold on too tightly, love might cut them. Tell them to hold on tightly anyway. Tell them everything is worth it and that the richness of life is only ever enhanced by its inevitable, brief flashes of sadness and loss.”

//Saturday, July 10, 2010 11:17 AM

You hold only yourself in high regard, but you never really knew who you are, and I spit at your armor, hoping that it will rust, because in the first place it was never that strong to begin with.

//Friday, July 9, 2010 11:06 AM

Day #7, #9, #12, #15, #20, #21.

Dear Louis.

No you are not dear anymore. When, when can I get over you?

I know I am halfway there, but I keep on slipping in and out of being alright and not.

I bawled thrice on the bus because I thought of you.

Just because of that.

I am done.

You are who you are. And I loved you for who you are.

You have to take care of yourself before you take care of other people around you.

I do miss you, a lot.

Dot.

//Thursday, July 8, 2010 12:23 PM

Day #6: A Stranger

Dear Stranger,

I will love you if no one else does. Because that's why I am here for.

Dot.

// 1:14 AM

THIS SONG IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

Well its been building up inside of me
For oh I don't know how long
I don't know why but I keep thinking
Something's bound to go wrong

But she looks in my eyes
And makes me realize
When she says "Don't worry baby"
Don't worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby

I guess I should've kept my mouth shut
When I start to brag about my car
But I can't back down now because
I pushed the other guys too far

She makes me come alive
and makes me want to drive
When she says "Don't worry baby"
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby

She told me "Baby, when you race today
Just take along my love with you
And if you knew how much I loved you
Baby nothing could go wrong with you"

Oh what she does to me
When she makes love to me
And she says "Don't worry baby"
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby

// 12:35 AM

Day #5: Your dreams

Dear Dreams of him and me in it,

What are you trying to tell me? I am tired enough as it is. And today I am told that there's a dream of you and her in it. So what now? I am damn jaded.

Dot.

//Tuesday, July 6, 2010 9:02 PM

Day #4: To my sibling

Dear Bibi,

I love you because you are so annoying, so frustrating, so not cute at all.

But you stand up for me all the same when I push you away.

I am sorry because it seems really hard to express my love for you at home or during any normal day.

But I thank God because He gave me what I wanted when I was so little.

And it's you.

Dot.

// 1:18 AM

Day #3: To my parents.

Dear Dad and Mom,

Thank you both for your love that has brought me into this world. Thank you for letting me see what is good and bad, and for letting me go when it was time to. And for always making time for me and Bibi and listening to us and trying to mend what is broken within us. Thank you both for working so hard to give the best to us and to feed us properly and making us who we are today.

I do love you both and I want to take care of you both when you two grow old together.

Dot.

//Monday, July 5, 2010 2:21 PM

There's a danger in loving someone too much.

// 1:43 PM

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

所以我只能一个人哭

眼泪是隐形的

我的心碎

是真的

I cannot stop myself from missing you.

Which sucks. Because right now, I should be living for myself, and those whom I love.

I don't love you.

So why should I be living for you.

// 2:46 AM

MONEY MONEY MONEY.

DOES THIS DAMN WORLD ONLY REVOLVE AROUND MONEY.

DAMN. Hahahahahahahaha.

I really feel like I am spending too much lately.

Have to curb and start saving.

Yeah, been saying that ever since I had a piggy bank.

Oh damn.

// 2:12 AM

Day #2: To my crush

Dear whoever my future crush is going to be,

I promise to keep my emotions under control and let you make the first move, instead of me initiating the whole time.

It's not fair.

I don't want to open myself up first anymore.

Dot.

//Sunday, July 4, 2010 5:31 PM

Day #1: To my best friend(s)

Dear Annabel and Enid,

Thank you both for seeing me through the seasons, for accepting and loving my imperfections and my very incorrigible self, thank you both for having been with me for so many years, and this friendship is on going and I thank God every day, for you both are also part of the reason I am still alive till this day, living and breathing in and out love.

Thank you both my lovelies, for being yourselves, for being so true to yourself and to others, and no matter how many challenges that will dastardly pop up during the years, always remember to not keep it inside, present all these as a chance to bond and whine to each other alright?

I love you both, so very much.

Dot.

//Thursday, July 1, 2010 10:15 PM

I might try doing this.

30 letters.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

// 9:02 PM

Love hurts, and sometimes it's a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive.

Love should always keep you alive, not numb you.

If it does, please do seek help.

Love is not meant to be left untouched.

It should perk you up like a sharp tinge of refreshing lemon on your tongue, awake and awaken...

I need a holiday.

Today marks the day where I actually do feel very drained. Physically.