You will never see how, you will never know how, you will never ever feel those, you will never live like, you will never love like, you will never...

Here where the sea sparkles,
and a strong wind blows,
on an old terrace overlooking the gulf of Sorrento,
a man holds a little girl in his arms
after he's been crying.
He clears his throat and sings the song again.

I love you so much;
so very much, you know.
It's a bond, now,
you know, that thaws the blood in the veins.

He looked at the lights, out at sea,
and thought about the nights in America.
But they were only the lamps of fishing boats
and the white of wake.
He felt the pain of the music.
He got up from the piano,
but when he saw the moon come out from behind the clouds
death seemed sweeter to him.
He looked into the little girl's eyes -
those eyes as green as the sea,
then suddenly a tear fell
and he thought he was drowning.

I love you so much;
so very much, you know.
It's a bond, now,
you know, and it thaws the blood in the veins.

The power of opera!
where every drama is a sham;
where, with a little bit of make-up and mimicry,
you can become someone else.
But two eyes that look at you,
so close and so real,
make you forget the script,
confounding your thoughts.
And so everything became insignificant,
including the nights in America.
You look back and see your life
like the wake [of the boats].
Ah yes! Life is ending,
but he wasn't worried about it any more.
Instead he felt happy
and began to sing the song again.

I love you so much;
so very much, you know.
It's a bond, now,
you know, that thaws the blood in the veins.

Forgive me for slipping in too deep into my subconsciousness and out of it suddenly. I have no idea what is going through my head now. Trillions of things. They seem to be projected so clearly but sometimes they are mosaic and all I can see is pixels.
Forgive me for understanding you more than I think I should and understanding the situation better than you could but I never did voice out my opinions. Forgive me for listening to others so easily and taking your advice as a second opinion. Forgive me for being such a sad, sad wreckage. I shouldn't be in your way for now, forever.
Bye.

Jesus, holding the broken child in His arms as gently as He could, so that He would not stir the child awake, pushed back Satan's hands away and rebuked him, saying "The child is not for you to lay hands upon. Be gone!"

You're Sylvia Plath
As you drift from the bath.
I hand you a robe
And so it goes,
The moment'll pass.

You're Simone de Beauvoir
As you get out the car.
The way you read me,
No one can see me
Is you are.

And these photographs keep me alive.

Babe, here's your song.
Babe, it took too long
To find in your eyes
My best surprise.

You're Nina Simone
When you talk on the phone.
You sing to me
And I'm truly
No longer alone.

You're Mary Cassatt
When people tell you you're not.
You're like a child.
All the while
I need you a lot.

And these photographs keep me alive.

Babe, here's your song.
Babe, it took too long
To find in your eyes
My best surprise.

And I wanna know what you know
And I wanna go where you go
These things remind me of
These things remind me of
These things remind me of you.

Babe, here's your song.
Babe, it took too long
To find in your eyes
My best surprise.

Don't ever love someone till he/she is crippled.
Don't ever smother someone with your love until he/she does not have any space to grow, or breathe.

Let it go. Don't be a hindrance to what they are meant for, let it all go.

Help me grow a love tree.
We shall make it flourish with lovely fruits and let animals make it their habitat.
:)

Ever had the feeling when you go out and that very moment you step into the lift, you keep thinking you'd forgotten to bring out something.
I had that feeling yesterday, and I realized what I had forgotten to bring out today with me.
My obsession with you, and the part in my brain which has you in it.
:)



What I had for lunch today, and what I didn't go to school for. HAHAHAHAHAHA YAY ME.
Thankew SY! <3

I need someone who's as steadfast in his love as he is in his life.
That would balance out a lot of things, really a lot.
I want to meet new people, and I miss the feeling of striking up new conversations with them, the awkward silences, and then the spark that ignites the friendship.
I miss having no inhibitions at all to show the side that is me to strangers.
But now, a wary heart, that barrier, is like a pick-lock fence all around the garden that hasn't bloomed.

I miss you. Tomorrow's your birthday. And I have never, and will never be there to celebrate it for you anymore.

现在我知道你是我生命中的过客，不是我的终点。

The hell, have to resort to posting a desperate status to watch Shrek 4 with me on Facebook.
Pathetic or whaaaaat.
Gosh.
I have dwindled down to the state where I can count my friends with my fingers. HAHAHAHAHA.
THIS.
IS.
BAAAAAAAAAD.

So full of it.
Yes, we are.
We tend to manifest into this when we have nothing to leave behind anymore.
It becomes clear.
Lost innocence and regained justifications for our unruliness.
This is contradiction.
We are a whole bunch of funny people.
We laugh at people who are different from us when all we are is the same.
We end up all laughing at each other.
It's all so hysterical, frenzied.
Until we lose ourselves to our dry humour.
The humour which was derived from our mortification.

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you're comin' back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

But I can't take the distance

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

I brave fire and I brave rain
To be by your side I'd do anything
I can't take the distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That's how much you mean to me

'Cause I can't take the distance
I can't take these miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name
I can't take the distance

It's hard to remember
As long as you're away
When I find solace
There's only one way

I sincerely think that we humans ought to have a huge ass mirror with us all the time to reflect and let us take a look at our shit attitudes and our ridiculous actions towards others. So that we can be openly humiliated and learn from that.

A night out with new people.
It felt old, it felt familiar, but it also felt like something that we haven't done in a long time.
Breathing in the fume of alcohol, the stink of cigarettes, and wanting to be lost in them all.
The night was free of bondage, of worries.
And it was the first time, my mind was so blank, so clear, and it wanted to break out of everything and absorb in all of what the night had to offer, all at the same time.

P.S. One day we will get those flowers.

¹Paul, Silas and Timothy,
To the church of the Thessalonians in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ:

²Grace and peace to you from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Thanksgiving and Prayer

³We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. ⁴Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.

⁵All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. ⁶God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you ⁷and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. ⁸He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. ⁹They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power ¹⁰on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you.

¹¹With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. ¹²We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.^b]">[b]

Dear God,

I thank You for the many blessings You have showered upon us. Many a times we tend to overlook your wondrous deeds because we are too caught up in our own emotions; we are unable to stand up for ourselves and for others. We have been too selfish, and less loving to those who need it the most. Teach us to be more like You, You who has a heart as vast as the many horizons that make up the sky, You, the benevolent and forgiving God, only You can do what we humans cannot Lord Jesus.
Thank you for my amazing friends, and those who have been with me, supporting and giving me gentle pushes to be able to face every day of sadness and loneliness. Thank you for their wisdom, which in turn, gives me the strength to be able to live for those I love very much. Thank you Lord for the ones who have hurt me badly and caused me traumas Lord, without their input, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be who I am right now. I wouldn't have known how uncertain, but yet wonderful life can be; its only when You are with us Lord.

Thank You Lord, for being You. Only You know what we are supposed to do and when we are supposed to do it. Only You say the Word, and we will be healed.

Parting Shot:
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." -Maya Angelou

I hit a new low today.
Not being able to concentrate in class, and I kept asking the teacher for help, and when he has done the steps right in front of me, I forget everything again.
All I could think about was to go home and cry and cough and die.

The only way to you, is through your heart.

What is real to you?
The one thing that is real to me now, is disillusionment.
And it leads to jadedness; it magnifies exhaustion and makes you see clearer all the dreary stuff in the midst of all the chaos in your head.
I wonder whether you still feel the pain because I do, and the vengeful part of me hopes that you do, too.
The better part of me has always been you.
And you are gone.
There's no more me, and you are still larger than life can ever contain.

I feel thankful.
No matter what, God's providence is better than anyone, or anything.

Thoughts prove to be more real than you can ever imagine.
When you feel okay, hold on to that and enjoy the moment.

For once, just shut up.

Everything inside of me died.
It all just died.
Died.
Died.
Died.

I remember you once telling me that, the rains will all cease, on your birthday.

These days are gone
Loud enough to hold on
I think about the time we wasted
I think about the years to come
It's getting late and I can't call
It's getting late to face it all
I think about the time we wasted
My loneliness has slowly grown
I told you not to cross the line
& leave me with your love for granted
The letters from your broken heart
I think I might have lost them somewhere

Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets

My love is easy
You are everything I need
Now your love is gone
I want it safe & guaranteed
Life is such a fine line
Looking at the bright line
I think about the time we wasted
For someday I'll be coming too
Tonight is dying on its own
& now I got your love for granted
It doesn't matter right or wrong
As long as you are hiding somewhere

Don't tell me 'bout your lies
Don't tell me 'bout your secrets

Even though we've said it all
I would never let us fall with you
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in
If it is for better
I would never miss the call, it's true
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I'm in

If ever you do get to just sit down, and listen to the live and unplugged version, you will realise, how lonely and forlorn love can get, when it's gone, when it's irrevocable.

Omg, just realised the amount of money I will need to have by next March.

2 freaking thousand.

I have never held that amount in my hands before, much less have it in my account.

So, GIMME WORK TO DO, and perhaps I will one day miraculously be able to juggle between school and work and perform exceptionally well at both. Oh gah.

"If you could remember every last time, you'd never stop grieving."

I hurt, too.

你知道吗？
你真的很烂.

My heart cannot keep still.
From since yesterday before I went to sleep, till now.
It's unsettling.

Throwing yourself into a sea of people who love you, but you don't love them back.

No matter how I might resent it, I will stand by you, because that's what we are supposed to do, to stand by each other.
If one ever gives way, I'd hope another will be there in time to save.

I know what to do now.

Why do I always have to talk about us as if one of us is dead.
Meeting Father Terence tomorrow, honestly, I have no idea what to talk about, I hope that I won't be wasting his time talking about meaningless stuff. Or is it my lack of faith in him and Him? Oh gosh.
Being a hypochondriac now.

Nobody is nobody right now.

Pain in itself.
Is a merciless prick.
Heavy burning inside the pits of your soul.
Melts away all kindness and gaiety that you will ever own.
Mask pain with pain.
And you get slabbed with layers and layers of uncertainty and expectations you oblige to.
Ensue the ruse and mind-heart-warring.
How will you ever get out of it?
How will you reach into my heart and squeeze out the lavish goo?
Will you be the one to do the deed?
May I never find out, may I retreat back to my comfort zone.
Pain.

Watched Ip Man 2 today after class with Sharon. It was epic. Like totally. His volley of punches is like, whoa mann. Not going to reveal much. But it's like after this movie you can totally openly dislike the Whites. =x
Evening was great, like really great, because I finally met up with Freds and Atty after so long okay, it felt like a year and I missed them so much, I burst out smiling once I saw Freds, and after that Atty was late so she had to buy us drinks HAHA. Mountain Dew and ze claypot rice! And yes, the next relationship I promise to blenjah both of you so that relationship will be blessed alright? This one not worth to blenjah so we wait for the next and the best one. LOL. It was really nice catching up and stuff, missed their noise in class. Really really need something refreshing from week after week of dragginess, it's bleak.
We saw Charlie Chaplin and we sat down and ate Dunkin Donuts while taking in the warm and really humid night air. Stifling. But it was lightened once we started talking.
Seriously, what will I do without you both around? Miss you both so so so much that I cannot wait to get this semester over and done so yall can faster come back hehhhhhh. MORE OUTINGS PLEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE :D

Can't get you off my mind.

Get out, and stay out.
Not letting you in anymore.
You don't want to anyway.

To you, I am more than a stranger, less than a friend.

If ever I'm told that I were to have a future with you again, I will crumble.

I need an outlet, writing is just not enough to contain and restrain my bursting emotions, I need to cycle and scream along the way.

"You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God."

-Closer; Nine Inch Nails

In their deepest grief, and staggering insecurities about faith and life, Lord Jesus please be there to comfort their aching hearts and soothe their troubled souls.

Think I cried buckets combined with Bel's and Ella's tears. This would be the first, and the last, that I would see her family, her friends and all who had come into contact with her. All's good. Do rest in peace Mel (:

Dear Oldie, let's have a talk over a cup of coffee soon as you have said. There and then we will catch up on lost time. Lost time...